MauryTHINKS

It is the time of the year when a young college man’s thoughts turn to romance; and if that does not pan out, he takes a lead from Eliot Spitzer and turns to the Yellow Pages.

We are in the throes of an annual bacchanalian rite in the United States: Spring break, wherein our teenaged kids get a crash course in growing up. It is a time when their security deposits, dignity and virginity get lost, never to be regained.

My Ferris Bueller-like son attends Ole Miss, and he informed me of his plans to take a relaxing week in Destin for his Spring Break this year. I wondered out loud to him just what was, if any, the delineation between spring break at Ole Miss and school being in session. He admitted it was merely geographic.

Well aware of the debauchery that goes on at these spring break trips, I sat my son down and explained the dangers. I told him that messing around with a girl these days could lead to a STD or even worse — a relationship. I told him not to pay for sexual favors unless he had political aspirations to become the New York governor, and that technically, if you pay for it, it is not a favor.

Given the bravado-level of the average hormone-saturated young male, I also told my son to be sure that when they went out that at least one of them was sober enough to fight. And that if they have known a guy for over a day, his sister was strictly off limits thereafter. And lastly, I tried to tell him that, after two drinks, there is a difference between people laughing with you and at you. All life lessons I had to learn the hard way.

A lot has changed since my college spring break days. To begin with, we did not have one. But today, as far as I can tell, the “Girls Gone Wild” video library gets expanded on each trip. Also, there have been major advances in beer delivery systems, which primarily involve a rudimentary PVC tube and an owner operator named “Stoner” barking orders to kids taking bong hits of low quality beer.

Young men and, hopefully, to a lesser degree women, test their alcohol tolerance on these college trips. Sadly, there is no phase-in period. They go from little or no drinking in high school to “Animal House” the day they hit college.

I would imagine that Hillary Clinton, in an attempt to appeal to young voters, might take this opportunity (being such an opportunist and all) to recount her detailed memory of winning a wet T-shirt contest under sniper fire during her crazy Wellesley college days. Of course, Wellesley and Smith College is where the entire girl-on-girl action movement had its roots. Fortunately for us, none of this was filmed.

I would think that Hillary might have quite an appeal to these young men on spring break who always welcome a “cold one” while partying on the beach.

Most parents worry about kids, mainly because we remember what we were up to at the same age. I know what my son is talking about: while my wild oats have surely turned to bran cereal at this point, and I now only hear my favorite songs on elevators, I do remember what I was like at that age. And that worries me too — a lot. Our kids are usually only as good as the worst one in the group. They tend to gravitate toward him. Sadly, the good kid never brings the others up to his level, he just gets wedgies.

As parents, all we can do is hope that we taught them well on how to be responsible. Unlike us, today they have cell phones, so we can check on them. And, they are very serious about having a designated driver, unlike their parents. Like many parents, I probably worry about my kids too much. Then I think, oh well, there are always risks in life, and that is what being young is often about. Growing up ain’t all it is cracked up to be.